When Mother’s Day Hurts: Coping with a Difficult or Estranged Relationship with Your Mom

Let’s be honest, Mother’s Day isn’t joyful for everyone.

While your feed is flooded with cheerful brunches, heartfelt tributes, and “best mom ever” posts, you might feel… nothing. Or worse, you might feel guilt, resentment, sadness, or a hollow pit in your stomach. And if that’s you, you’re not broken. You’re not ungrateful. You’re not alone.

The Unspoken Reality

The truth is, not everyone has a close, loving, or even functional relationship with their mother. Some people grew up with emotional neglect, manipulation, criticism, or abuse. Others were expected to play the role of emotional caretaker, walking on eggshells to avoid outbursts or guilt trips. Some have mothers who were present physically but unavailable emotionally. And some have made the painful decision to create distance or go no contact entirely.

And yet, every May, society hits us with the same message: “Honor your mother.” No nuance, no space for pain, just a one-size-fits-all celebration.

Let’s talk about what it really means to navigate Mother’s Day when that message doesn’t fit your reality.

1. Acknowledge Your Truth (Even If Others Don’t Understand It)

You don’t have to pretend. You don’t have to post a happy tribute. You don’t have to buy a card that feels fake or make a phone call that will leave you drained for days.

Your experience is valid, even if it doesn’t look like a Hallmark commercial.

Example: Maybe your mom constantly criticized your appearance, your choices, and your emotions. You’ve spent years in therapy unpacking how that affected your self-esteem. Pretending she was “the best” for the sake of a holiday? That’s not healing, that’s self-abandonment.

Tip: Try journaling the real story of your relationship. Not the polished version. Getting it out helps you stay grounded in your truth and avoid the gaslighting that sometimes happens around holidays like this.

2. Release the Guilt

Feeling guilty for not wanting to celebrate someone who hurt you is common, but unnecessary. Guilt often shows up when we go against what we were taught (i.e., “you only get one mom,” “family is everything”), even when we know those lessons were rooted in dysfunction.

Tip: Guilt is a feeling, not a fact. Practice replacing guilty thoughts with honest affirmations like:

• “I’m allowed to protect my peace.”

• “I can honor the truth of my experience without shame.”

• “Distance is a form of self-care, not betrayal.”

3. Create Your Own Meaning (or Skip It Altogether)

You get to define how, if at all, you engage with this holiday. Here are a few ways others have redefined it:

• Celebrate a chosen mother figure. Maybe it’s an aunt, mentor, teacher, or even a friend who has shown you the kind of care your mother didn’t.

• Practice self-mothering. Take the day to nourish yourself with compassion, boundaries, and rest.

• Do nothing. Yep, you’re allowed to opt out entirely. No explanation required.

Example: One client I worked with decided to spend Mother’s Day taking a solo trip to the beach every year. She brings a good book, her favorite snacks, and spends the day reflecting on how far she’s come, not how she was raised.

4. Connect with Others Who Get It

Isolation fuels shame. But the moment you realize how common this experience is, it gets lighter. There are countless people quietly dreading this weekend, just like you. You are not the exception; you’re just one of the brave ones willing to face the truth.

Tip: If you’re not ready to talk about it with friends or family, try reading stories online from others who share this experience. (And if you are ready, start the conversation. You might be surprised how many people say, “Me too.”) 

Final Thoughts

It’s Okay to Grieve the Mother You Didn’t Have

There’s grief in not having the mother you needed. There’s grief in accepting that things might never change. But there’s also freedom in letting go of the fantasy and starting to choose yourself.

This Mother’s Day, you don’t need to fit into a mold that doesn’t reflect your reality. You’re allowed to feel conflicted. You’re allowed to protect yourself. And you’re allowed to find your own version of peace, even if that means rewriting the story.

If this is a hard weekend for you, be gentle with yourself. That’s something a good mother would do, and maybe, just maybe, you can be that for yourself now.